Lately I feel like...

have no purpose.
have no drive.
am not giving it my all.
am slow, distracted, and lazy.  
am indecisive and fickle.
am not happy.

work a dead end job.

can't get hired. 
am unsure of my direction.
don't know what I want to do.
think I chose the wrong path.
have nothing to offer.
want to go to sleep and wake up on vacation.

My self-worth is diminished and I need an intervention.

I don't know what it is but my mojo is M.I.A.!  I don't want to get out of bed in the morning and I can't wait to go to sleep at night.  I dread getting off of work because that means there are 5 hours to kill before I can sleep again.  While there is plenty for me to do between working my second job, exercising, chores, and little projects here and there, all I want to do is eat dinner, have a glass of wine, and veg in front of the T.V. until it is too painful to stay awake any longer.  But I push through keeping myself busy and trying to be as productive as I can.

Every day I question what I want to do with my career.  My childhood dreams involved animals and the ocean or kids and art.  Now, I feel as if I've settled for a career in business and office management just because it is easy.  But it doesn't feel like this is my purpose.  

Anyone who knows me knows that I love to plan and organize and some people think I'm bossy.  Natural characteristics for management, right?

But I like to be creative!  And don't want to sit at a desk entering data and shuffling paper.  I said in my bio section that I love to plan and organize but don't like to "do."  Well this is so true!  I would much rather be putting things together, analyzing procedures and layouts for efficiency, piecing puzzles together, thinking of ways that things can be the best and also that everyone will be happy along the way.  Everything has to look good, too.  

So what the hell am I supposed to be doing?  And how the hell do I get there?

I want to wake up and know I get to go out into the world, use my creativity, and make someone's life a little easier and a lot more pleasant.

Maybe Classy Closets is hiring. 

Sorry for the Debbie Downer post - I'm really in a FUNK!

I am lethargic

I can't get motivated to shake this groggy mind and body

Woe is me 

My unglamorous life as a Disney Princess

This monster, we'll call her Maleficent after the wicked fairy godmother in Sleeping Beauty (Seems, fitting, right?), has prevented me from getting out of bed to go running all week and it has to stop!

I brought my tennies and sports bras (yes, I wear 2) to California, planning to go for a run along the beach Monday morning before we checked out but I was just plain lazy.  Convinced myself that I was on vacation and running along the beach really wasn't as cool as I was making it seem.  What?  Complete nonsense!!!  I was so f'ing excited to do that and now I lost my chance.  FAIL!

She gets me all the time - I lay in bed, most of the time in anticipation of my alarm going off, and it's as if I am Aurora and Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather are in a full debate with Maleficent on  when I should get out of bed.

Every possible scenario runs through my mind of how I can reschedule, shorten the time I need, minimize to what is absolutely necessary, and somehow believe that this 5 minutes to an hour of debate is going to make me feel more rested.  What a waste of effort!

It isn't until the very last minute I come to my senses and realize that I have completely underestimated the time I need and want to get ready for the day.

So... today is Thursday and I haven't run all week.  Monday it was because of being on a mini-vacation, Tuesday was because I wanted to be in at 7 so that would call for waking up way earlier (no way) plus Tuesday isn't a normal day, yesterday I can't even remember the rationale but I'm sure it was very clever, and today it was a sore throat and lazy body.  

Thank goodness I was finishing a full week before we leave for our trip so I don't have to kill myself going without rest days but I worry that this week off will have screwed with my stamina!

It's ironic how it seems like Simon is the only thing that can get me out of bed when I'm in this state.  Maybe there really is something to say about who your favorite Disney Princess was as a young girl...

But it's all on me.  I need to get my ass in gear and stop living in fairy tale dream land.  Who the fuck invented the snooze concept, anyways.  It's all their fault.

What happened to etiquette?

I'm uber annoyed about this subject so I'm gonna step up onto my soapbox for a minute or two...


DEFINITION OF ETIQUETTE:

1. the customs or rules governing behaviour regarded as correct or acceptable in social or official life

2. a conventional but unwritten code of practice followed by members of any of certain professions or groups 

It seems that that so many have forgotten how important proper etiquette is in so many situations.  The cardinal rule, I believe, is acting in a manner that demonstrates consideration for others.  Follow this, and you should fall within the boundaries of proper etiquette in any scenario.


My recent pet peeve has become RSVPing.  The past dozen events I have been involved with, host and guest alike, have had too many people, and most of them consistently, disregard the concept of "RSVP."


RSVP is a French acronym meaning "Respondez S'il Vous Plait" aka "Please Respond."  Simple, right?  Well, apparently not.  I suppose one could take it too literally - I responded initially, so no reason to tell them my plans have changed.  Wrong.  In the complicated world of proper etiquette, there are unstated expectations. 


Here are a few from the host's perspective regarding invitations that I think are key:

1. Send out invitation 3 weeks prior to the event.  This allows your guests ample amount of time to check their calendars and make appropriate arrangements.
2. Within the invitation, advise your guests what refreshments and food will be provided and what they should bring, if anything.
3. Give directions.
4. Provide your contact information.
5. Ask your guests to RSVP.
6. Send out a reminder or two - really, this should be a courtesy shortly before

As a guest you have two things expected of you:

1. RSVP in a timely manner and update your response if it changes
2. Show up and have a good time

Easy, right?  I mean, in 3 weeks time, how difficult is it to do step 1? Why do so many people have such a difficult time with this?

Every event has them.  The people that say they'll come and don't show.  Being a person that will always be upfront about being a yes, maybe, or no and considerate enough to advise the person if my yes turns into a no, I cannot fathom how others cannot. 

eHow puts it simply:

Do not answer yes to the RSVP and fail to show up. Only a matter of serious illness or death should keep you away. It is bad etiquette and rude to RSVP stating you will attend and not show up.

But why do so many people do it?  Is it laziness? Lack of consideration? Forgetfulness?  Forgetfulness can easily be forgiven, if a fluke, but if you're a repeat offender for being flaky or a no-show you just come across as rude and a bad friend.


Here is why:

• The host needs to know how much food and drinks to provide
• If they underestimate, there isn't enough for all of the guests
• If they overestimate, there is waste and money spent that didn't need to be
• Most of the time, a head count has a maximum.  The host must pick and choose who gets an invitation as not to exceed that number.  As a result, people get left out and I bet they are people that would show up.
• The host constantly wonders who can and can't come.  They want so badly for everyone to have a good time, feel welcome, and get fed.  Add chasing down who's not responding and it gets to be a chore rather than something fun to plan.
• Save them the stress and reply promptly
• It is just plain embarrassing when the guests that did come ask the host, "Where are all of the other people that RSVP'ed?"  Good question.

But a good host knows that people are flakes, and they know who those people are.  Don't worry, won't bother inviting you next time.

This has always been a subject of frustration for me, being such a planner.  Why so heated now, you ask? Well, a repeat offender just invited me to an event and asked that I RSVP.  Really?

Stepping off, now. 

Thought for the day

My random epiphany for the day: 
Surround yourself with people that have good attitudes and habits.  We naturally mimic the people we are with the most.  I quit negative, rude, annoying, impatient, short fused, illogical, arrogant people.


In other, unrelated news....


Great party at The Golden Barrel!  It was a great success and a wonderful time!


Simon's birthday was yesterday so when he got home from work we decided to go out for a couple drinks.  I was still going from working the party and how could I say no to the birthday boy!  50 cent Coronas, shots of Patron Silver, and a late night dinner at Philadelphia Sandwich Company.  Cuddled on the couch watching I don't even know what and fell asleep in his arms (your queue for "awes" or "blechs").  Prepare to read some sappiness... I love waking up with him!  It's so hard to get out of bed!  Soft smile and giddy heart, I'm a happy girl!


It's Friday!  Working both jobs again today, then it's home to work on a playlist for tomorrow night.  Can't wait till the party!


And in more unrelated news (but possibly related to my random epiphany)...


This guy that couriers product to us from Tucson is annoying and a bit creepy BUT he always smiles and leaves saying "God bless you."  Normally I cringe when he comes to my desk for me to sign for a package because ever time he says "I love that beautiful smile."  This is a wonderful compliment and I love to hear it, but every time you see me??  But today I welcomed his played out compliment and repeatedly asked question "Where did you get that smile?"  I always say my mom and dad, forgetting the answer he wants which is one of two - "It comes from either the Lord above or it comes from within."  Gonna remember that for next time!

Week 4, Doctor Visits, and the Worst April Fool's Joke in History

Get comfy folks, I have a lot for you to catch up on.  I'll give each headings to help you along the way 

Couch to 5K - Week Four
And the struggling has begun...  Ugh!


It has been a busy week so my days have been more spread out than I would like.  Day 2 was supposed to happen Friday but Zipps happy hour just sounded way too tempting.  But I knew that I would be going with Sarah on Saturday so I decided I would rather do Saturday and Sunday than Friday and Saturday.


Saturday sucked.  I sucked.  Big time.  It was 2 in the afternoon and probably 85 degrees, no breeze, no clouds, no relief.  I was really active all morning running around and working on projects so I was already pooped.  Chilled out by the pool to try and recoup for a bit but it clearly did not help.


My knees were KILLING me!  And I was terribly out of breath.  No bueno!  So of course I was in no mind set to do day three of week four on Sunday.  I about died this time!  


But you'll be surprised and I am proud to say, I ran Sunday morning despite the pain.  Now it wasn't the program, but it was about 5 minutes or so (I didn't keep track).  You see, after the terrible experience I had, Sarah and I went and rewarded ourselves with cheeseburgers and beers at Saddle followed by more beers at Giligin's.  Being the responsible adults we are, we walked home.  On my way to get my car Sunday morning, I walked long enough to eat a banana and then to challenge myself I committed to running the rest of the way.  I think I got at least 2 full songs out of it so I had to have gone at least 5 minutes.  yay for me!


Monday, was supposed to be day 3 since Sunday wasn't but I finished up my day too late.  (I decided today I need to get over my fear of running at night stat - blistering heat is very near).


So here it is Tuesday, and I have completed day 3 of week 4.  I have been running 3x a week for a month!  A huge accomplishment!  Whoah! I just realized I'm 1 1/2 runs from half way.  Yippee!


Tonight was incredibly better than Saturday.  The sun was setting and the breeze was refreshing.  I stretched more than usual and really took my time with it.  Minimal knee pain this time!!  Had some mild shin splints, though.  Will never ever have a pain free run though so it's time I learn to just deal with it rather than let it criple me.  I find I do best when I love the song, it's loud, and I focus on my breath and a smooth, slow, springy, stride.  It is when I obsess over how my feet land on every step and how short or long my stride is.  I start to get frustrated, push too hard, and get out of breath and stiff.


Baby steps.  I am not going to be able to keep up with people who are runners.  I'm not a runner.  I'm training to be one and have to be patient with myself to get there at my body's own pace.


Now I face the dilemma of scheduling week 5.  Tomorrow is ideal, but it should be an off day, then Thursday I work 7:30 until 9 or 10p.m. and Friday 7:30 until 9.  Saturday morning will be no problem and Sunday is out because it is the day after a party we are throwing. So it looks like I'm going tomorrow and Saturday because we all sure as hell know I will not get up and do this before work.  I'm pretty excited because I have thought out a new route since I'll be running more and will need a slight bit more distance.  Brace yourselves - day 3 of next week is run 20 minutes.  Pray for me!


Doctor Visits
I had contemplated even writing about this because I simply don't want this to be a forum for me to cry "woe is me."  Well, woe. ;)


For probably the past ten years I have had "episodes" that I could never really pin as anything specific and they have scared the shit out of me.  Based on my family history with all the ladies on my mom's side, we self-diagnosed it as high levels of estrogen and aura migraines.  (Fun fact: my mom is sure that all of the Howard women were/are over sexed aka are sex kittens due to high levels of estrogen)


My solution was to stay away from BC with a lot of hormones.  It seemed to work, most of the time.  But I still had them, just not as frequent.  They were more often prior to '06 and since then I had one last spring and then now again on Sunday.


I briefly described them in a previous post.  Doc advised that I take notes next time it happened so I did just that.  I focused on every little detail that I possibly could.  I am so frustrated with the incredible challenge of communicating how I feel.  But it was a good experience.  I remembered that lights don't flash, the numbness only exists on the left side, and I was better able to describe the "whoosh" as if heat is gradually spreading underneath my skin and that my head feels as if it is moving backwards.  My motor skills are slowed, but I can still function.  I took deep breathes, analyzed what was happening, and it went away.  for about 15 minutes afterwards I was still out of sorts, but the disorientation was gone.


She is still puzzled, but doubts it is a migraine.  One of the possibilities is mild seizures.  So, now I get to have an MRI and an EEG.  Please, dear God, let this just be defensive medicine and a way for her to rule it out.  I emailed her today asking if I should have my estrogen tested first; if she thinks that or any sort of chemical imbalance is the likely culprit.  We'll see what she says tomorrow...  


In the meantime, I stress that I either a) am wasting time and overreacting or b) I have something wrong with my brain.  I'm just embarrassed about all of this - that it's all nothing and I'm just a crazy worry wart.  I welcome humility with open arms!!!


Worst April Fool's Joke in History
My brother is a very mean, twisted person.  He is NOT moving here.  End of story.  Jerk.


And I leave you with a positive update...
Thursday is Simon's birthday!  We are having a housewarming party on Saturday for some of our friends and will be celebrating his birthday, too.  I ordered an amazing cake and I can't wait until I can speak freely about it!  (I promised Simon I wouldn't bring it up anymore)
48 days until England/Lanzarote!  Lindze brought her beautiful daughter Sadie in today after work so I got to see her for a little bit.  Oh, and Lindze and I had ice cream today.  Definitely a sunny day!


Good night all!  Tomorrow is a clean slate and new opportunity for betterment - I leave you with this quote to learn and live by!  


"Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most." - Buddha

Daily Love

This quote really spoke to me this morning:

Concentrate all your thoughts upon the work at hand. The sun's rays do not burn until brought to a focus."  - Alexander Graham Bell


I am most of the time incapable of doing one thing at a time.  I was thinking this morning about how I envy a horse that pulls a carriage because they are given blinders to be sure that they are not distracted.


Now a lot of the time my distractions are out of my control.  The universe drives my work load, and no matter how hard I try to structure my day, I am usually working on a handful of things at a time.


Interruptions are so common for me it's as if I am the interruption and outside forces are the norm.  We don't have a receptionist, so I answer almost every single phone call.  Granted, a lot are for me, but it would be nice if I didn't have to deal with those that aren't or would ever have the opportunity to not take a call every once in a while. 


If I'm working on the computer (which is 75% of my work day or more), I will do something else while waiting for software or websites to load.  It's as if I cannot sit idle for more than 30 seconds!  


But mostly, I am pretty sure I am the root of my problem.  If I stop for 2 seconds, my eyes glance elsewhere and if they are caught on something that could be done, I'll do it.  What is wrong with me?  I'm like the dog in Up that every time he sees a squirrel, he stops mid sentence and runs off.


I have broken down my day into sections - assigning certain common tasks for certain times of the day.  I use my Outlook calendar to remind myself that I should be working on certain tasks at that time, and then when times up I move onto the next.  So far it's mostly working out but it is proving difficult when my reminder shows 30 minutes, an hour, or more past due and I haven't had an opportunity to attempt at the task at hand.

Does anyone else have this problem?  What do you do?  

One may say, Morgan, stop blogging at work but I don't get any official breaks since we're short staffed.  All I've seen are working lunches for the past few months so I take back the time I am owed in small increments throughout the day.  =)

Goodbye Cal Neva, a tribute to your legacy

It's a sad week in Tahoe as the famed casino once owned by Frank Sinatra and always the Rat Pack's favorite hangout has closed its doors.  Hopefully temporarily...

The owner does hope to reopen one day but word on the street is that it is not likely.

Competition with Vegas has gotten too high and for this tourist spot, all bets are off.

Not only was Cal Neva famous because of its regulars, but it was built right on top of the California/Nevada state line - hence the name "Cal Neva."

The pool!  One summer, my dad and I snuck into the pool area so I could go swimming.  What a thrill it was to swim from California to Nevada and back again!  Probably one of the coolest things I did as a kid!

Marilyn spent her last weekend here before her death.  The cabin that she stayed in is still there and is part of the resort tour. 

I remember daydreaming about her lounging by the pool, wearing dark sunglasses, sipping on a cocktail and having the time of her life.  I wanted to be her.  

R.I.P. dear, beautiful Marilyn.  

I have a lot of great memories with my Dad at this casino; it is by far my favorite that I have ever been to and that is a lot!  While he would go place his sports bets I would hang out in the lodge, in awe of the ginormous stuffed bear and being in two states at once.  I was extremely fascinated by the glamour of this lodge in the mountains that was loved by the coolest people of its time and wished I could go back in time to when it was hot.  

Will miss ya, Cal Neva!

You can read more by clicking here.  

W4D1

I made it! This has been the hardest one yet and I'm getting
intimdated by the days to come.
Week for is: run 3:00, walk 1:30, run 5:00, walk 2:30, run 3:00, walk
2:30, run 5:00.

I noticed that on each 5 min interval I was ready to stop running at 3
minutes. This must be because last week my longest interval was 3
minutes long. Hopefully by the end of the week I will be fine with 5....
But now I'm psyching myself out - in just a week I will have to run
for 20 minutes straight only after I do intervals of 5 one day and 8
the next. Really? From 8 minutes to 20? Yikes!

Yesterday's run was my hardest so far. My knees hurt for the first
time ever, too. Every time my feet impacted I'd get a twinge on the
insides of my legs right at the knee. It lessened when I used the pose
method but it was still there. Once I got to my second round though,
it wasn't as bad.

I hope it was a fluke from tired legs or joints. Evenings just aren't
as easy as mornings but I can't seem to get out of bed!
Maybe the heat will encourage me. UIt was over 80 last night! Better
start settin the alarm earlier!

I think I might cry today

I know what I said in the previous post about choosing to be happy but I think I just may cry today.

Currently I am the only person in my office.  Literally.

My head cannot hold all of these hats!

Receptionist
IT
Customer Care Manager
Scheduler
Shipping/Receiving
Billing
Office Manager
Babysitter
Knower of everything

Fuck.  I need a raise.

Is it Friday yet????

Achy breaky? wrist

Advil!  Stat!

This wrist is achy, poppy, and sweaty.  (Thank goodness for Febreze!)

Went and got my xray this morning.  Honestly I was excited since I had never had one before.  Something about seeing them in eppies of Greys glamified them for me.  But.... not so glam.  In fact, pretty lame.

AND I don't even get to take my slides home.  Was really hopin for that!  Now must wait 48 hours for my doc to get them.  I wonder if I'll have to wait for my next appointment to know anything.

So is it breaky?  Or just achy?  All I know is my wrist aches.  It's tired.  Especially from all the jewelry case lifting I did.  And a little bit of Farmville farming (yes, i am finally admitting to you that I am a Farmville addict)  This typing sure isn't helping, either but I know all of my hundreds of readers are dying to know what is on my mind.  How can such a small little injury allow me to deprive them?  Never!

Speaking of... How the F am I supposed to get readers.  I have now submitted it to a half a dozen communities and directories, posted it on my FB page, and whored it out to my friends and on Buzz.

If you are reading this and have any advice, first of all, SUBSCRIBE.  Second, could you post me a comment with a little advice?

All I can think of is whoring myself out on other people's blogs but that just feels tacky to me.

I'm not a super witty or comical genius, just a girl with a lot of thoughts and a kick ass typing speed.  Can I get me some readers, please??

Happy Hump Day

First I'll update you on yesterday's run. I was too damn pooped to
muster up enough energy to blog last night...

I took a different route - went north up Miller to Chapparal, then
swung back along the canal to Camelback and home. I have decided I
like running in the morning hours better than evening. Proof I am an
early bird at heart. I endured and forced smiles but honestly, it
wasn't as fun this time. Legs were tight even after 10 minutes of
stretching and the standard 5 minute warm up. But at least I got
relief from the dirt path and had quite a bit to take in.

This time of year the orange blossoms in Scottsdale are heavenly. This
makes even walking to your car enjoyable so imagine 30 minutes of
constant whiffs or sweet fragrant bliss. Add silhouetted palm trees and
the sun setting behind camelback mntn and you have one beautiful
evening!

Until.... Blech! My first bug in mouth experience! Hahaha I almost
died laughing at myself just in awe of everything around me, caught
in the moment of my growth and accomplishment and then all of a sudden
a bug swooped into my mouth with my inhalation.
Didn't eat him, luckily. He only made it to the back of my tongue
before I so gracefully spit him out. Too funny!

So I made it through my first set of longer stints alive, with only
very small problems with endurance which I think is a result of being
tired from the day.

Should I try a pre-work run tomorrow? That means up at 5:30 hmmm...


Okay so on to today. Check out this stunning necklace and earring set I'm wearing by Elements and Alloys, one of the phemnomenal designers at The Golden Barrel.


The design is Spheres, the necklace is in gold priced at $7,950 and the earrings are gold and silver, priced at $495.


I think they look pretty smart paired with my white button down, don't you?

Kharma

I had to skip my run yesterday for valid reasons. Plan was to go after
my hair appt but wedding stuff came up that had to be done. The MOH
and I went over to the bride's to do one last fitting and it was
beautiful! She looked absolutely stunning!
We hung out for a bit and met some out of towners, one of the
groomsmen and his wife. Great people!
She showed us all the decorations and they are so so cool!! She really
had an amazing vision and I can't wait to see it all pit together!
So after about an hour the MOH and I booked it to F21 to go get our
jewelry -gonna look saweet!!!
Finally got home at about 830 tired and hungry. I failed again by
stopping at Arbys fir their free St Patties Day Reuben. Which had to
be accompanied by curly fries and a soft drink. Delish! But oh so
wrong...
I went to bed feeling guilty for skipping the run and piggin out. In
my last moments before sleep I promised myself I'd do the run at 7am
Friday. Problem solved
Here's where kharma stepped in - slept in past my alarm, lost one of
my contacts while putting it on forcing me to make a pair a single,
found out i forgot to edit my reoccuring transfer (easy fix but
equally annoying), and didn't have time to make coffee or breakfast
(which is probably a good thing considering the 800 calories I ate
late last night!)
Oh, and a friend just pointed out that I was wearing two different
earrings. Fml.
Not so sunny day... But it looks like the clouds are breaking. I
remembered that I had to break a pair of contacts about 4 months ago
so there was already a single with no friend, there was a honey
nectarine I left at work I could have for breakfast, GoGo Coffee will
be at my office at 9:15, and I have an extra pair of earrings in my
purse.
Life is good as an even Steven!
Nail appt at lunch and a quick tan session, rehearsal dinner tonight
an the big day tomorrow. Can't wait!!!